Arsene Wenger’s got a magic hat right?

What are the chances of Arsene bringing in three new players today?

None you say – well that is very disappointing because right now we could certainly bloody do with him producing the footballing equivalent of pulling a rabbit (or three) out of a hat.

Liverpool visit the grove tomorrow & according to Kenny Dalglish their only absentees will be Gerrard & Johnson.

If we take a look at who will be missing for the Gunners tomorrow it really highlights just how thin on the ground we are –

Jack Wilshere – He’ll miss the game tomorrow, the return leg in Udine on Wednesday & is rated 50/50 for the showdown with Manchester United which follows it.

Kieran Gibbs – Still suffering from that hamstring injury he picked up on Tuesday night, the left back is currently cocooned in bubble wrap & is being kept in a room made entirely of flumps somewhere deep beneath the Emirates and is expected to be let out in about 10 – 12 days.

Armand Traore – Our deputy left back has a groin problem, picked up during reserve duties at Underhill on Monday night, and is a doubt for the match tomorrow.

Johan Djourou – The Swiss centre half who has loaned last seasons haircut to Alex Song apparently has a chance of being fit for tomorrow despite only lasting a mere nine minutes after coming on as a sub against Udinese on Tuesday. If he does play tomorrow then I will seriously doubt if their was any truth in the reports that he had a minor hamstring problem & just assume that he really needed to have a poo.

Yes we can all see you Alex

Alex Song – The good news with Song is that he isn’t injured, well apart from that small section of his brain that thought it was a good idea to stamp on Joey Barton last Saturday which has earned him a three match domestic ban beginning tomorrow. Now obviously I know that many of you are thinking “Stamping on Joey Barton is a bad idea?” and that your whole objective view on the universe and our very existence may now be in doubt but let me assure you that, yes, it is a good idea to stamp on Joey Barton – just not when your being filmed & the pictures are being beamed across the globe.

Eating may cause injury

Tomas Rosicky – Another doubt for the game against the Scally’s, the Czech midfielder suffered a thigh injury earlier this week. Apparently he got himself a KFC bargain bucket and whilst taking a bite from said thigh, which was of course covered in a delicious blend of secret herbs & spices, every bone in his body disintegrated and he has had to spend the later part of this week being rebuilt, again, by that medical droid who gives Luke Skywalker a robot hand.

Gervinho – Like Alex Song the Ivorian is banned for our next three domestic matches & like Song this is due to assaulting Joey Barton. To be honest I can not defend the man with the M&M shaped head at all, the way he struck Barton with all the malice, intent & power of a two-year old plucking a daffodil from the earth was disgraceful. All please note that if ever presented with the opportunity to strike Joey Barton you need to make a better fist of it than Gervinho did (pun intended)

Samir Nasri – Well on the one hand the Frenchman’s move to Man City is incomplete so you would imagine that as he is still an Arsenal player and is desperate for us to respect him that he’ll do the decent thing and pull on the red & white tomorrow and go out in a real blaze of glory. Leaving us all thinking “You know what, the way he single handedly destroyed those scousers, I don’t mind him moving to City and earing seventy-five times the amount of money my Grandad earnt in seventy-nine years working twenty-three hour days down the docks, in just a single day. He’s earned my respect and I wish him well. In fact I’m doing a leaving card & having a whip round for him so he has a bit of walking around money when he gets up to Manchester, you know to see him right until he gets that first pay packet, there’s fifty-odd-thousand of us putting twenty quid in each“. On the other hand he is indeed still an Arsenal player tomorrow it’s more likely that he’ll turn up at the grove being carried on a golden throne, wearing t-shirt which says “Fuck you” & throwing peanut shells at AOC from club level and screaming “I AM NASRI” at the top of his voice.

Allergic to peanuts?

So as you can see our choices are a little limited & it would be no surprise to one of Ryo & Chambo start the game, in fact Theo may stub his toe on his writing bureu today and be out for six months so both of them could start along with Carl Jenkison at left back – best we stick Theo in with Gibbo for safe keeping just in case.

I know that in many ways this has not been the sensible, intelligent & insightful post you have come to expect from me and that there are serious issues I could have dealt with but there is so much tension around everything and everyone related to the club right now that I thought I would just try & have a bit of a laugh. Plus I’m off to a wedding tomorrow in Ludlow & at best will only get to see the first half of the match (tears don’t damage iPads right?) and I need to cheer myself up!

So tomorrow & Sundays blogs may come to you a little more rough & ready as I may have to attempt blogging via my iPhone, whilst in a bad mood and/or hung over state.

C’mon Arsene, what you got in that hat ‘eh?

Thanks for reading.

Paul